Tonite I had a long conversation with my mother, about 2 hours. It ranged from my father and his tendency to be babied along with his legitimate dependency on her (in every way, as at 82 and a man with MS, he is not physically very independent), to the ills of religion and our basic shared sense that “this is it”, this life we have, and there is no point to live for an afterlife. She even agreed that we are essentially energy that will be recycled and/or transformed when we die, death brings life.
It was quite interesting as my mom has always been a devout Catholic out of duty to her mother and grandmother and their faith. She believes that religions aren’t bad, people are. Clearly power corrupts and this is a fundamental issue with all religions as they are ideologies, political, and usually hierarchical. I told her I didn’t believe in reincarnation as Buddhists do, so couldn’t identify as such other than to acknowledge the significance of basic tenets and meditation. I never believed Jesus was the son of God but was just a holy man, a social rebel who modeled compassion, and communal living without caste systems, etc. To my utter surprise, she agreed!
Of course, my mother has always been openly critical of the Church and has spoken out against its history of corruption (the Crusades, which we discussed, being as she describes as evil, and a particularly sadistic form of terrorism, which torture is). She relayed a story about her trip to Isreal about 15 years ago, where on a tour that included a pagan temple, an Isreali guide told her some provocative things.
(As a German who lived through WWII as a small child, btw, she’s also been openly critical of how Palestinians have been treated, long before it was acceptable in polite society, if it even is.)
Apparently the guide told her that there some Jewish scholars acknowledged that Abraham was merely a biblical figure, ie, not someone who actually lived. And when my mother asked him, “Well, if that’s true, what’s that say about the existence of Christianity?” he replied, “I’m just a guide, ma’am, you’ll have to think that through, and draw your own conclusions.” My mom has been a major factor in my being a spiritual person because she intuitively understood and delineated religion from spirituality, underlying philosophies and their institutionalized bastards. I now know that there’s no dogma or guru I can submit to in an totality. I cannot believe in reincarnation or that deities are more than metaphors and repositories of certain kinds of energy (ala the Haitian Voudou tradition which, having taught and read a lot on it, is truly a beautiful system).
As I was telling my mom how much meditation and the practice of “letting be” had helped me, impossible as it was, haha, I mentioned that I’d thought about going on a silent retreat but the idea freaked me out too much. Esp. as I’ve not yet done a workshop retreat and after telling me I should do a workshop retreat first, she went on to say that my great-grandmother used to regularly go on silent retreats. As a Catholic!
I’d completely forgotten they existed in Catholicism. The retreat I went on in high school was so lame and felt like being in school, but just somewhere else where we listened to lectures focused on “religion”. She said, contrary to what they are now, then it was total silence, for days on end. That it was meant to put oneself in touch with their deeper beings, and to be healing for body and soul. I never knew this!!! I can’t imagine what it would’ve been like if I’d been asked to be silent and just contemplate/meditate. We discussed how fundamental this was to most spiritual traditions, silence, that is. And this made me think of the Quakers who are Christian Buddhists, really. I find aspects of that kind of communal meditation quite moving, actually. I’d love to visit the Quaker church James Turrell designed.
When I got off the phone, I realized that there I was talking about being with “what is”, not trying to change, avoid, or hang on to it, and I’d been telling her what to do in relation to my dad and his various baby ways:) In fact, it was also very moving to hear her talk about what a good natured loving man he is (which he is, a total doll) if also not the most responsible husband/father who ever lived. In that moment I saw I was him and all I’d said was largely me talking to myself.
I remembered its not my job to try to change things for the better or worse, just to help when called for, and to relieve suffering when I can. My parents will play out their stories and story-lines just as everyone does. Like me not practicing what I preach, a trait that comes straight from dear old Dad.
My mom also told me how she asked my father if he’d thought about what would happen should she “go” first, and its too personal to relay here, but it was all equally revelatory. Once again, I saw myself in him. In that I’d also chosen not to think about it, and hadn’t considered it might have worried him.
Anyway, I don’t typically share personal moments like this on my blog, but I am really beginning to change my view of my mother, and it is profound. When we change our view of someone, they change, not the other way around, or at least not often enough, haha. Thanks, Mom.
